5.13.2010

So I just poured my feelings out :D

"One the love that we share, one our hope in despair, one the cross that we bear."
- We Are Many Parts", Marty Haugen


1)April 24th, 2 year anniversary of Brandyn's death. Still hits me like a rock. I still can't believe the smiling soul who always tried to pull one over on Milz or always made a fun joke to get us off topic is gone. I can't believe it's 2 years. Where did they go? Did I fail to realize or fail to grieve properly? Every time I turn around it's always "full heart-clear eyes-can't lose". They don't know do they? If I could have one more chem class with B, I'd tell him everything. I'm sure he knew how I felt about him. I approved of his antics. I usually hated classroom antics, but Brandyn def. changed my mind about them. Whenever I think of my gram, I see Brandyn right next to her. The same cross, Byzantine, being bore on my shoulders for them.

2)CCD Graduation, April 25th- I didn't so much cry as I felt happy. I felt alive for the 8 kids who graduated. The kids I helped nurture in their faith and in their lives. The kids, who to this day, I have an everlasting bond with. Mary Kate, Mike, Lexxie, Erin, Chris, Kyle, Johnny, Mark, I cannot thank you enough. These past two years have been a blessing in disguise. You guys have made the past two years go by so fast, incorporating love for each other, and love for life, God and everything that surrounds you. You guys will really be a huge part of my life, as well as Mrs. Cole's. We thank you! From the inaugural stations, to graduation, it's been a pleasure, one I will keep near and dear.

*My birthday
Luckily my facebook-friends-myspace-twitter universes didn't forget. My parents, well, they're another story. My sister didn't. I think she cheated and used facebook. I still can't believe I'm 19. I mean, where did the time go? Who would have ever thought that 19 years ago, I'd be up at 1:44am on Tuesday April 27th,2010 writing about my life to facebook? I sure know my parents didn't. Joe remembered. I'm so happy he did too. :D. He's becoming a Dr. at the end of May- best present ever. He's got a job offer in Pittsburgh- and if he takes it, he leaves me stranded 5 hours away. Oh well, at least he's making the best of what he's got.

*My job(s)
Lately, I've had a change of heart with my job. My boss is FOAMING at the mouth to get me back to a forty hour work week. I haven't gone out with friends yet on the weekend, because after 4 hours on a Friday, and 12 hours on a Saturday, I just don't have the energy. And dare I call off? No. Parental connections would make me feel super guilty and make my father look super unethical. I hate being so attached to someone in that place. My work ethic makes me who I am, and when I'm at work, I work. I work my ass off. Boxes of stock usually get out with me working- on occasion, I do slip, and I feel TERRIBLE, thus writing a note to the morning people of why I didn't do anything. And I know at least 2 or 3 people who feel the same way. Do we have a choice, sure. We could leave, but frankly, we've got it too good to leave. The atmosphere in there is so family like, sometimes, I consider my coworkers my family, rather than my real family.
I volunteer for other jobs, one of which is super rantable. The other, brings me great joy and totally confirms my next career path- a teacher. But being the assistant chairman of a golf tournament is so unbelievably tedious. Sure, I get pleasure of being a volunteer, but when your father is the chairman, it sucks. My father is computer illiterate, and refuses to learn. So, I do all the labeling, do all the printing and stat sheets. Yeah, I guess it's my job, but I certainly didn't sign up to deal with it. Once my father took over as chairman, this just fell into my hands. For a while, it was fantastic, now, it's just getting old. He won't listen to my ideas, he won't listen to what I have to say, and he doesn't want to change the way it was. He wants to take over, with my name on everything within the next 2/3 years. I hope he's kidding, I don't want it. And I get no credit- even a little thank you from him, would suffice. Nothing. He told me it comes with being his daughter.

Point of the matter is- I'm sick of doing everything, getting trampled on and used for my skills, without getting anything for it. Great, I get heaven points!

*School
My first year of college, done. In 2 weeks, it's over. I cannot believe it. 30 credits later, and here I am. I'm so happy, I've met so many WONDERFUL people. From Jen, to Melissa, to Wendy and Amanda. I hope I never leave ya'll. I can't. Wendy's leaving for Georgia at the end of May. Two semesters with this ball of Georgian spunk will make you talk southern and love the warm weather. Doing the presentations today and the laughter we shared before, and the claps and the smiles, made it so worth it. I had a lovely 3.5 GPA to end the first semester, I'll have at least a 3.0 to end the second semester. Why do I feel run down and over used?

*Faith
I may get blasted for this but what the hell. I believe in God, and Jesus. I believe in the Holy Trinity. I believe in love, peace and worship. I believe in the three "S"'s. Social, service, spiritual. I just don't know why I can't shake the feeling that God is losing grip with me. I pray every night, and every morning. I never miss Mass-I think I've missed mass twice in my life. My sister, doesn't care. When I was her age, I was forced into going. Why can't my parents make my sister realize God is here with us, taking our cross with us? Right, I get free will, but after 14 years of Catholisicim, why, why can't she be blessed with the care and knowledge of God, not the care and knowledge of rap, glamorization of sex, and pregnancies. Am I just too caring and too desensitized to the world that this hurts me?
Today, watching the ordination of Monsignor J. Bambera to Bishop should have been thrilling, faith fulfilling and glorious. For me, it was a fight. A fight for the TV, a fight with my family. I realized today, my sister, doesn't care. She didn't want to watch, she wanted to make my life hell. My father, did nothing to stop her. I'm so glad, I live in a hypocritical household, where I feel the only one God hates is me. I would die for my faith, but I feel God turning on me, and turning on my life. I feel as though, I'm being punished for my faith and what I believe in. I believe in Confession, Eucharist, Novena's and Daily Prayer. And yet, I feel as though I die a bit every time I try to get my mom and dad and sister to join me. A worthless, never-ending fight. My gram would have wanted me to be like this, and I know she raised my father the same way. My father has given up all life on his church, the Byzantine Catholic church, for the Roman Catholic church. I cannot wait to make my own decisions. Byzantine Catholic church will have a renewed member.


Ugh, I cannot believe I cried while writing this. I can't believe I poured out my thoughts for the past 45 minutes. Thanks <3. I feel so much better.

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